a love that feels safe

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Hi friends, how are you doing? For some reason January has been a difficult month for me to keep up my weekly writing schedule. This is the second time that I have contemplated not writing my post for the week because of how I feel. It’s like right after I published my new year post ‘I’m ready for change’ the Universe took that as a signal to try to see what I’m really made of. If I can keep going no matter what. If I will crack under the pressure. If I will give up, and go incognito until all my worries go away. Well I’m happy to report that I haven’t given in, not even close. If anything I am just more determined to realize the dreams and goals that I had set out for myself this year. I said I was going to continue to write and share on a consistent basis and I intend to do so with a smile on my face!

A love that feels safe.

The theme of this weeks post is love and more specifically a love that feels safe. What does that mean to you? To me a love that feels safe is a relationship/marriage in which both partners feel at home with each other. There are no lies, secrets, hidden feelings,  ulterior motives, abusive, disrespectful or toxic behaviors present. There are no reasons to feel suspicious or uneasy about the person you have committed to love for the rest of your life because they never give you any reasons to suspect them. You are open and honest with each other about all your feelings, good and bad. You can tell them your fears, insecurities and things that make you uncomfortable and instead of judging you they understand. You are each other’s second best friend (God is my first best friend ❤️) and priority. Your trust and bond is so strong that were you ever to shout on the roof top to claim they are yours and they have your heart, there would be no fear of ridicule or humiliation from close observers. I don’t know if I’m old fashioned (although I really think I am) or I watch too many movies, but this is what a love that feels safe looks like to me.

Final thoughts.

I think everyone has their own definition of what a love that feels safe means to them. We all have different experiences in life that lead us to view things in different ways, especially in love and relationships. I also believe that learning from others is an important part of life and that is why I wrote this post and want it to serve as a venting space for you. Share anything you want concerning love, let us learn from you and you from us. To start off the conversation I want to know what does “a love that feels safe” mean to you? If your married or have been in a loving relationship for a very long time do you mind sharing some advice on what constitutes a great relationship between two people? How do you keep going when things get tough? If you have ever been hurt before (not high school hurt but real adult relationship hurt), how did you move past the pain? Did you forgive the person and are you still together? I hope you don’t mind my prying questions, I just really want to know and learn from you because I would like to believe that the kind of love I believe in actually exists. Thank you so much for reading and see you in my next post!

64 thoughts on “a love that feels safe

  1. I’ve been hurt before and it was so hard to move on. Eventually I accepted the fact that the person who hurt me either didn’t know how to love me or just didn’t love me at all. It was easier to move on after this realization.

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  2. Intriguing post, it definitely gets the feelings and thoughts moving which I think would be my definition of a love that feels safe. Love is continuously evolving, not some safe harbor but a journey that is moving towards a beacon of hope and growth, growth in a relationship even if in different ways as long as it is at the same rate of progression is a love that feels safe.

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  3. Love that feels safe to me is a love where both people put God first. I feel like when people are doing things God’s way and are very aware of pleasing Him, it just makes pleasing one another a happy result!

    That being simply said, I have had a lot of pain. Two church boy marriages and both failed. 😦 One ended up being physically abusive and in prison and the other, though a sweet man, ended up with type II bi-polar disorder and refused to get help…I often feel that I’ve been jilted in love. I have a good relationship with both men and have completely forgiven them, and I hope they have forgiven my faults too.

    I try to keep my security in my relationship with Jesus. He’s the only one that can truly be counted on because all of us are a mess!

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    1. I’m sorry to hear about your abuse kd, but I also think it’s inspiring that you find security with God. I’m trying my best to let him guide me in life especially when it comes to matters of the heart (love). Thank you so much for sharing your story and your thoughts ❤️❤️

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  4. Love for me has always appeared in an unexpected form. Once upon a time I had given up looking and as if by magic I met a girl from California who had come to the UK, travelling after the death of her friend. By chance she had met one of the organisers of our summer solstice camp in London and tagged along. I’ve never felt so at ease and content in my life as that summer with her. What made it work was that we were both disconnected from everyday life, and in a sort of liminal zone where nothing else mattered. Eventually we both had to return to the real world. She had to go home. I had to finish University.

    Years later I would find a totally different love – a love that I had to work to cultivate, and a partnership where we often have to struggle to overcome our bad moods and worries about money, housing (we live in a yurt) and our child’s future. It works because together we can trust each other to do what has to be done. We take care of each other, and most of all we respect each other’s dreams and goals and try to support each other in reaching them. So, although it was nothing like a Hollywood romance and more like an arrangement, it actually worked out better in the long run because there were no unrealistic expectations of perpetual happiness. It has thus become safer and easier over time until it seems like we can read each other minds at time.

    So, although I had some bad relationships, these are the two that make me realised that I’m really very lucky.

    And neither were what I expected.

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    1. Wow David, your story really is an inspiration. I won’t lie, when you started with the first story I thought it was going to end up like a storybook romance however I’m so happy that you are happy and content now. I think the best part about falling in love when we least expect it, is that we learn a lot more about ourselves. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts ❤️

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  5. I can totally relate to that overwhelming motivated feeling at the start of the year. It usually ends up intimidating me and making me feel like my actions in the first couple weeks of the year determine how the rest of the year will go for me

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  6. I did not take time to read through all of these comments. The post was great though. A love that feels safe to me is when I feel free to be myself and I am accepted without being forced to changed or molded into something I am not.
    Also, thanks for your support (following my post). Have a blessed week!

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  7. Excellent post. Me myself have been in a wonderful relationship since 2015. And im happy and content. I’be had my share of bad relationships, but I feel like I had to go through them to appreciate what I have now. Without forgiveness, you can’t get over anything. Real love, faitfulness does exist. I’m here to tell you.

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    1. Aaww I’m happy you’ve been in a loving relationship since 2015, and I agree with you that some things we can only learn during the bad times and it’s the only way we would learn how to appreciate something good in the future ❤️ Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts

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    1. Aaww I’m so happy for you Tessa ❤️ I’m so grateful for your words because it shows that true love with an honest person is very possible. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts ❤️☺️

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  8. I believe Love is a choice, it is an action that we take every day. I can have feelings of infatuation of like of lust, of being connected but Love is an action and it speaks of this in Corinthians 13:1 in the bible. It is a daily practice for me. Sure there are people who are easier for me to love and connect with and those that make me want to run and hide but to practice real love is to work on myself. Find security in who I am and act from a place of understanding, comforting and self assuredness. Unconditional Love is that love that requires nothing from the other person it requires everthing of me. I can not choose who will love me in my life or who will even like me. What I can rest assured in is that I get to choose who I practice love with and in that, I feel safe everyday knowing its up to me.

    Thanks for writing. Keep going, keep loving it’s your choice either way.

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    1. Aaww that is very beautifully said Matthew! Love is definitely a choice and wether someone is faced with choices that may hurt their partner it is still up to them to decide wether they will hurt their partner for a momentary pleasure or CHOOSE TO LOVE THEM and respect their partners feelings. I’ve learned a whole lot from your comment and appreciate you adding the Bible verse as well. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts ❤️

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  9. First I want to say that I believe you can have the relationship or marriage you are seeking and I really want to see that happen for you. Communication is always the key thing in ANY important relationship. “Assuming” the other person is on the same page with you is really where a lot of trouble starts. When we look through the eyes of love, often we are seeing ourselves and projecting that onto the other person and assuming they are exactly like us, so communication and clarity are really important. I believe you can have complete trust while each still having private areas that don’t necessarily involve the other person. I believe that’s healthy and also continues to promote trust. Underlying all of that, though, is that energy we are putting out there that is attracting the same energy to us. But you’ve got to keep on top of that energy-thing every single day. A relationship (hopefully) will go on for decades and you can’t get lazy or take anyone for granted. So just keep clear on what you want, work at it, and don’t settle for less. I know it’s coming for you! It already has your name on it. 😉🌹

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    1. Aww thank you so much Marilyn! I’m also starting to understand that communication is important and when you start making assumptions about the other person, that is when things start to go downhill!! I love how you mention energy because I also believe in the same thing! I believe that like attracts like and if a person wants a dreamy kind of love they themselves have to become that before it can happen in reality. I just recently learned that and I’m definitely going to put it into practice! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts ❤️❤️

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  10. This was very nice to read. Thank you for making my day a little bit brighter. ❤

    My rule with any relationship is, "how do you feel when reflecting on your time spent with someone? Is it a warm, uplifting feeling? Do you feel sad or hurt?"

    The problem is, in the moment, we tend to get caught up in what other people want from us and, when we love them, we're quite happy to just go along. Even to our detriment. It feels good to be the reason someone smiles. Self-sacrifice isn't necessarily wrong. But, it should be equitable. And, if something feels off, I believe we should trust that and examine why. No one deserves to have to give up their well-being to keep someone else happy. Nor, would someone who truly loved you expect such a thing.

    You clearly have a pure heart and kind soul. I wish you a wonderful year.

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    1. Awww thanks so much Sparsile Muse, I appreciate your kind words ❤️ I’m very happy and grateful that you were able to find some joy from reading this post, it makes me so happy and it is very encouraging to me! I agree with your sentiments that no one should give up their well being to keep or make someone happy and it’s also a little selfish for your partner to think you have to in order for them to be happy. I believe that happiness is an inside job and each person must be willing to work hard enough to know and realize that they can make themselves happy. Except for cases when your partner is sad/or feeling depressed it is okay to try and lift his/her spirits in a wholesome and loving way. And even though I don’t believe in sacrificing your well being I also don’t believe in giving up on someone (unless your partner is intentionally physically or emotionally abusing you in a very detrimental way). He/she may just need some time to make things better for themselves and you can still be their to offer them love, support and encouragement ❤️❤️ Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and have a very wonderful day ☺️

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  11. I’ve only been married 2 years, but I kissed a lot of frogs before (I didn’t get married until I was 40). The difference between my husband and the men of the past was EXACTLY the fact that I feel safe. For me, feeling safe = trusting that person. Being with someone that communicates well with me, and feeling comfortable communicating my feelings with him (communicating and feeling like you’re in a safe environment to communicate with your partner are slightly different). On a more simple level, it’s knowing that the person isn’t going to cut and run or try to hurt you (physically or emotionally) when you don’t see eye to eye or when things get challenging inside or outside of the relationship.

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    1. That is such great advice Rene! I’m very happy that you found true love (not matter how many frogs you had to kiss in the past). I applaud you for your patience to wait for the right man for you, it’s very commendable and shows that you were unwilling to settle for anyone less than you deserve. Well done! And Thank you so much for sharing ❤️☺️

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  12. Hmm well also in a relationship / marriage (same one!) for around 34 years. Never easy but mostly my fault. Difficult, temperamental and mercurial. Also driven, sometimes by demons sometimes by something else. It has boiled down to keeping calm in recent years and recognizing I may not be the easiest person to live with. My wife is placid, easy going and cheerful if occasionally somewhat insular and puritanical.

    Plug on with gratitude is my motto.

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    1. Aww I appreciate your honesty Zeno. It is a difficult thing to admit that your the one in the wrong and I’m so glad you use gratitude as your motto! I’m very happy for you being married for 34 yours (and wish you many more). Thank you so much for sharing ❤️☺️

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      1. I agree with @ksbeth, but we’ll miss you when you’re not here. :)) This post was great. You’re so good at getting other’s words to flow! And you’re honest yet positive. I love that. I’ve been having a tough January too. Let’s hope February is brighter! ❤️

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      2. Thank you so much for your kindness Nadine, your words have made my day that much better ☺️ I’m sorry that January hasn’t been all that great for you either but I believe that since we have managed to get through it we have proved ourselves to be strong and February will only be filled with good things ❤️

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  13. Married for 31 years. What makes our relationship work? We talk, and talk, and talk; about everything. We both talk about our feelings – for each other and about things that are happening outside our relationship.

    We share, and share, and share every task, chore and blessing. Both of us are capable of cooking, cleaning and organising so we share all those tasks. I look after the mechanical chores, MBH looks after the administrative chores. I do most of the driving, MBH is an excellent navigator – a job I hate!

    We do have secrets (who ate the last chocolate biscuit). We have both separate and joint bank and credit accounts and neither of us knows (or cares) what the other is spending their money on. We share the bills in a way that makes us both comfortable.

    Finally, we love each other constantly in both a spiritual and physical sense. Every moment we express that love, holding hands like schoolchildren, whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears and working to make each other feel good no matter how bad things get.

    We argue very little but accept that each of us has their own valid opinion even though one of us is clearly wrong.

    I could go on but I think that’s enough to be going on with.

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    1. Aaww that is so lovely Strider! I love that even after 31 years of marriage you and your wife are still very much in love and do everything necessary to make the marriage work. Your inspiration that that no matter how long you’ve been with someone, the love doesn’t fade away as long as both partners are committed to making each other happy and making things work. Thank you so much for sharing ❤️

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  14. I won’t go out with anyone again. First love I married, raped me. When I left and looked back, I see there was also a touch of mental abuse.

    Second relationship was like a re-bound to start. After second time we split, I decided that the friendship should go to, as I did not want to hurt him for a third.

    Third relationship I thought was my best. I went out with him for six years. Knew him before that about a year or two longer.
    We never lived together during that time, but the last four years I was waiting for him to commit.
    In the end I split up with him. Wasn’t going to wait any longer. But we were going to still be friends. He failed on that too. So I was done.
    I never seen him for some years after, but learnt as I blogged about it, that he was jailed. He abused a child. That child, now adult, came forward 10 years later. He is in jail for that, which I discovered by accident. The abuse happened already, or was still happening the same year we started going out. The whole thing has made me sick what he is, what he has done. It has also triggered past trauma in me. The rape that I mentioned.
    I have a male friend. But I will never go out with anyone again. I have not done since I split with him and definetly won’t since that discovery.

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    1. Wow, I can’t imagine how much pain you have been through Liz. I’m very sorry for everything that has happened to you and hope that you are healing well. No woman deserves to be raped and I’m so sad that that happened to you but I’m also amazed at how strong you seem to be. I don’t think I would have lived through that! As for your third relationship, I’m glad that you left and I’m glad that justice got served in the end. I hope you don’t blame yourself for any of what happened to you. Thank you so much for your bravery, for being strong and for sharing your story, you are truly something of a woman to have lived and gone through those ordeals ❤️

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      1. Thank you for your comment it’s been hard. Lots of counseling. Although when I knew about the person I left in third relationship what he truly was, that has hit me hard. When I accidentally discovered this, it was just three days after a double funeral. So as the funeral was very hard and the discovery of that, it hit me very hard that I was on the floor.
        The victim I knew as well. I look back and think how could I not see, but when I look back, there is nothing that stuck out, other than the last conversation I had with him, when I said something and he looked like an animal trapped in headlights. Now this as come out, I now know he had a moment there, thinking I knew, when I never did. X

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      2. That is so unimaginable. There was no way you could have known and the important thing is that you got the help you needed to move forward, the person was caught and the truth came out in the end. I pray that the victim has found peace as well, I can’t imagine being in a situation like that. It is very unfortunate. Thank you so much for sharing your story ❤️

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      3. When I found out about him, I have just took each day as it come. I have used techniques from past counseling sessions. Not had counseling when I knew about him, or while going through grief through the loss of my cousin and her husband. Blogging has helped as well, but I still have those difficult moments at times, as I have the odd flash back.
        I don’t see the victim and wouldn’t recognise her, with her all grown up now as I only knew her through him. She was six when it happened, that I read. Although victim wasn’t named, I knew it would be her because as I researched further, I seen her mum commenting and the way she commented, I just knew.
        I made a risk of contacting when I discovered, saying I hope she was ok and I never knew etc… She naturally asked how I knew it was a particular daughter of hers and obviously I had forgotten she had two, because mainly it was just one I ever seen in those years.
        I don’t keep contact though. It was just then and I have nothing to do with Facebook. Again, knowing her, was just through him. But I hope the daughter affected can move on. There’s a lot more that went on than I read, the mother had said. He didn’t get long enough. Just 4 years and six months and he is not allowed back in Nottinghamshire apparently, when the time comes to his release. He has a few more years yet. I hope I never bump into him.

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      4. I hope she is doing okay as well. That is not a very easy thing to move on from. I’m so glad you made the effort to try and find out how she was doing, at least you tried. Thank you so much for your strength and bravery ❤️❤️

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  15. I completely understand a love that feels safe. It’s how I feel with my own partner; I can talk to him about anything. We are both strong communicators, and we tend to talk a lot about everything. A love that feels safe to me is when you feel absolute trust. Which I do in my current relationship.

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    1. Aaww that is so wonderful Jane! I think that communication is very important between partners because misunderstandings are unlikely to happen when you discuss things effectively. Thank you so much for sharing ❤️☺️

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